The Work Doesn’t Stop

I will start with this. I am in a very good place. I have love, financial stability, a career I love and friends and family that I adore but I’ve been struggling of late. I get these feelings in the pit of my stomach that the glass is going to crack and my new life that I love is going to decintegrate before my eyes. I know these feelings are irrational and no, they don’t last long but they are my feelings which makes them real. Makes them valid. 

I haven’t had a drop of alcohol for nearly 7 years. The 10 or so years before I stopped was nothing short of hell. I felt constant anxiety, constant worry, a constant feeling of butterflies with razor wings. A feeling like my world would implode at any given moment. If I’m honest with myself I felt that way for way longer then 10 years.. Let’s call it from the age of 4.  I remember those feelings very well and periodically they rear themselves. In the past few months I’ve come to a realization that I may be suffering some of the long term affects. A ptsd of sorts. After nearly 32 years of anxiety, it’s a possibility, right?

As a person who’s been in recovery for nearly 7 years I’ve gone through some pretty significant changes. I ended a ten year relationship with someone I was not in love with anymore, 2 years ago almost to this day. It was hard. Like holy shit hard. Like my alcoholism, I knew that relationship had to end WAY before I got the courage to pull the plug. It was a good 3 years of mulling, complaining, and suffering before I did the deed and within that time I acted out in ways I’m beyond ashamed about. *Just because you put the bottle down, does NOT exempt you from alcoholic behaviour.* At least not alllllll of the time. And that is certainly what happened to me. I started acting out in ways that went against everything I stood for. All of the work I had done spiritually, emotionally and physically kinda went out the window. I started looking for chaos and chaos is exactly what I got. I spoke to my sponsor and she basically told me that even tho I hadn’t taken a drink it was as if I had marched into a bar and downed 10 shots of tequila. Wowza... In that moment I truthfully thought she was exaggerating, going a little over the top for the sake of effect but now 2 1/2 years later I know exactly what she was saying and only now am I starting to feel the effects. Time to do some work. 

My whole life has been a tad dramatic. Childhood wasn’t great, teenage years were shit, full of promiscuity and drama, early-mid 20s were actually awesome because I lived in a haze of ecstasy, MDMA, crystal meth and the longest dance party of my life. I was a successful little drug dealer who was really good at it and made a shit ton of money. Enough to pay off my student debt AND I came out unscathed. Did a TON of stupid irresponsible shit that could have landed me in prison both in the USA and homeland of Canada. I am one lucky yogini. Once the bright and shiny started to wear off and the drugs no longer worked I turned to alcohol and that’s when things went south and went south at a speed that still amazes me. I muddled through a black out haze for the better part of 12 years before I decided to take my life back but it wasn’t easy. These changes never are. Up until Jan 2, 2012 my life was full of drama and anxiety as aforementioned and it had become my normal. NORMAL.. When anxiety is as normal as waiting for a bus it’s got to have an affect. Like long term affect.. which I guess is what brings me here to this post. 

In the past few months I have been processing stuff. I have hurt a few people on my path of sobriety. I’ve made my amends to those I had affected with my years of drinking but this is a whole new thing. Realizing you chose a certain path knowing damn well it was going to hurt another (even though you know in your heart it was the right thing to do) is a tough pill to swallow. I teach self-love, compassion and mindfulness.  I try to live my yoga on the mat but off the mat as well. But I am also human. In all the ways..I’m realizing there is still a shit ton of work to be done in me. If I don’t, I may not pick up the bottle of booze but I will be continuing on the path of active addiction and I am SO not ok with that.

At nearly 7 years of sobriety it’s time to get back to basics. Back to the Big Book, back to the steps, back to meetings. There is always more work to be done. I am worth it. SO, that’s the plan. I have some pretty awesome sober friends and with the help of them I will do another step study, I will comb through the Big Book and I will come to get another evolution of this here sober way of life. Here’s to another sober 24💛

Trip with the Mister

Hello again everyone, 

I have been very absent over the past year and for the people that do read this blog I am very sorry about that. I have gone thru some massive changes over the past year and I’d very much like to share some of them... firstly, I have a mister. A wonderful man who loves me dearly (as I do him). We had a very rough start (understatement) with all the odds stacked against us but miraculously we are thriving with a very bright future ahead. Secondly, that said mister and I moved in together. Some naysayers thought it was awfully fast but when you know you know. I really wasn’t sure how it was going to turn out before we committed but I followed my heart and stayed the course and I am very happy I did. You see I have never wanted to get married before. For the people that have known me longest it was a big surprise to hear I had changed my tune. At 42 (now 43!) I had finally met the man I want to spend the rest of my life with so moving in and moving forward was exactly what we were going to do. Naysayers be damned. 

The last big shift was me retiring the restaurant industry. This is rather huge..-Back in 2015 I retired and went on sabbatical to become a yoga teacher. I did my first teacher training with the intention to not go back to managing restaurants. I wanted to be a yoga teacher but after returning to Toronto I realized very quickly that I HAD to go back. Teaching just wasn’t going to pay my bills.

- - -

Fast forward 2 years..

Teaching a very full time schedule and working nights at the restaurant. It’s been exhausting. I always thought the term “burnout” was just something people said when they were tired but now I know it’s an actual thing. I felt like I was in a constant state of jet leg and once the mister and I moved in together he saw the schedule I was trying to maintain and offered me an “out”.  My dear wonderful generous mister offered me my out. So I took it. I gave my beloved restaurant of 7 years 4 months notice and started planning THIS... 

IMAGE.JPG

The entrance to our homestay in Hanoi💛 

With an end in sight we started thinking about where we would go. It started with India, then Sri Lanka... both beautiful destinations which we will DEF get to (I was in southern India for a month in ‘15).  We couldn’t quite wrap our heads around where we would stay and for whatever reason bailed on the idea completely. Which brought me back to BALI. I was also in Bali in 2015 and had a bit of a love hate relationship but really had a calling to return. Travelling alone can be a major bummer when shit goes south and that’s what happened in the last week on that beautiful island. The mister had not been there however and had a keen interest in going. Soooo... 

Here we are in Asia☺️ We started 1 week ago today and have been to Hong Kong and now we’ve been in Hanoi for 4 days. We are in our own little homestay after two nights in hotel and are really laying roots. One thing we were not prepared for.. finding vegan and gluten-free options! We have been blessed to find a wonderful yoga studio and cafe OM STUDIO  who has been feeding us but other than that it’s been a real challenge (the mister is celiac) ... big reco is to get cards made with allergies and restrictions printed (we didn’t do that😑)... We have 5 more days here until we fly to BALI. Please stay tuned for more. I promise to not be so absent. 

Ps, sobriety fucking rocks. If I wasn’t sober NONE of the amazing things that are happening in my life would be happening. Period.  

If you aren’t already following me on Instagram please find me on all of the things @terianncarty

💛💛💛 

IMAGE.JPG

👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼 So cute! 

IMAGE.JPG

Om Studio.. formerly Zenith. Don’t let the outside scare you.. head inside and up the stairs. The ladies there are ahhhhhmazing🙏🏼 

It has been a while since I have been here and for that, I am very sorry!  This last summer was a busy one... I have been going through some emotional turmoil in the past 6 months and didn't really know what to say. Instead, I worked. I said yes to everything. I subbed and taught as many classes as I could possibly jam in as well as manage a restaurant 4 nights a week. To say it was exhausting is a bit of an understatement but it was exactly what I needed. Truth is, I'm still doing it. My schedule is still nuts and will probably be more so as we near Christmas. That's ok. It's self-induced and happening as it should. 

Today is a good day. They have all been good days. Even when I feel like I'm having a not- so-great-day it's way better than when I was drinking. I'm coming up on a 5 year anniversary and it literally blows my mind. I haven't had a drink in almost 5 years. How unbelievably amazing is that? On top of all the work this summer I also attended a step-study. We are nearing the end of it. I am so grateful for the opportunity to work my program with some awesome women. It has helped me beyond measure with my current situation. I am trying. Really hard. But I know I am also avoiding the inevitable to avoid hurt, pain and suffering for all parties. Breaks my heart.. but such is life.  So, my friends this is where I'm at. Over-working, over-tired, but loving life. Staying true to my path and staying sober one day at a time. 

Part of staying healthy in my mind, body and spirit is maintaining a healthy diet. Over night Chia pudding is da bomb!!!! 

recipe below: 

 

Over-night Chia Pudding
  • Over-night Chia Pudding

  chia pudding 

  •   1c hemp seed milk (I make all my own milks... recipes on website)
  • 1/4c chia seeds
  • 2 tsp pure maple syrup
  • 1/4tsp vanilla
  • Pinch sea salt   

method

stir all ingredients in a bowl, wait 5 minutes, then stir again. Wrap with Saran Wrap and refrigerate over night. Top with berries, granola, seeds and the like! Enjoy💗 

  

 

It Works If You Work It

My mother told me when I was about 14 years old that I would have to work for everything I ever got and man was she right. Call it a self fulfilling prophecy but that's just the way it's ended up. And to be completely honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

My journey as I've written before is a long one. I'm on the upswing of my sobriety, albeit one day at a time. The craving to drink still comes and goes. Working at a restaurant, I'm always going to be tested. The restaurant business is where my disease really took hold. I was able to "taste" and "nose" my way into a good drunk every single day without too many sideways glances. Or, so I still tell myself..  

Life gets hard. I'm juggling a few balls right now in the hopes that when they land all my ducks will be in a row and my career as a yoga teacher will be enough to sustain, energize and satisfy me. I love the restaurant industry. I mean, I really love it. It's all I've ever known for work and I'm really really good at it. That counts for a lot in my books. But I feel like something is missing and THAT I guess is the purpose of this/my journey. Isn't that awesome?! The fact that I am on a life journey, with all my faculties in tact is a miracle in of it self. 

5 years ago was an incredibly dark time. The last year of my drinking was the scariest time of my life. I was in such a bad place hurting myself physically and blacking out daily. Waking up in strange places not having any clue how I got there. The sheer terror that I felt after coming to after a black out was enough to make me want to end it all. Shame will do that to you.  That last summer was the downward spiral I needed to say enough was enough. After blacking out and bashing my face in twice in one week I looked at myself in the mirror and I simply couldn't recognize the person staring back at me. My nose was broken, lip split open, eyes bruised and dark. I was bloated, my skin pale and blotchy, eyes bloodshot. I looked like shit. I couldn't believe I had let myself get to that stage. My friendships were strained, my family (especially my poor mom) was terrified and my partner was simply at a loss for what to do. I had hit my bottom. It was undeniable....

Hard to believe how much has changed. How life became so full. How I became so full of life. Getting sober was the best decision I have ever made. Hands down. But there's a caveat here.. I have to work for it.  Life didn't become tulips, enlightenment and rainbows because I put the Chablis down. I have to be present every, single day and work at it. It isn't always easy.. But it's always so worth it. If you had told me I'd be a yoga teacher who has travelled the world 5 years ago I would've laughed in your face but here I am. 

Its worth it. And it works if you work it... Namaste