The Work Doesn’t Stop

I will start with this. I am in a very good place. I have love, financial stability, a career I love and friends and family that I adore but I’ve been struggling of late. I get these feelings in the pit of my stomach that the glass is going to crack and my new life that I love is going to decintegrate before my eyes. I know these feelings are irrational and no, they don’t last long but they are my feelings which makes them real. Makes them valid. 

I haven’t had a drop of alcohol for nearly 7 years. The 10 or so years before I stopped was nothing short of hell. I felt constant anxiety, constant worry, a constant feeling of butterflies with razor wings. A feeling like my world would implode at any given moment. If I’m honest with myself I felt that way for way longer then 10 years.. Let’s call it from the age of 4.  I remember those feelings very well and periodically they rear themselves. In the past few months I’ve come to a realization that I may be suffering some of the long term affects. A ptsd of sorts. After nearly 32 years of anxiety, it’s a possibility, right?

As a person who’s been in recovery for nearly 7 years I’ve gone through some pretty significant changes. I ended a ten year relationship with someone I was not in love with anymore, 2 years ago almost to this day. It was hard. Like holy shit hard. Like my alcoholism, I knew that relationship had to end WAY before I got the courage to pull the plug. It was a good 3 years of mulling, complaining, and suffering before I did the deed and within that time I acted out in ways I’m beyond ashamed about. *Just because you put the bottle down, does NOT exempt you from alcoholic behaviour.* At least not alllllll of the time. And that is certainly what happened to me. I started acting out in ways that went against everything I stood for. All of the work I had done spiritually, emotionally and physically kinda went out the window. I started looking for chaos and chaos is exactly what I got. I spoke to my sponsor and she basically told me that even tho I hadn’t taken a drink it was as if I had marched into a bar and downed 10 shots of tequila. Wowza... In that moment I truthfully thought she was exaggerating, going a little over the top for the sake of effect but now 2 1/2 years later I know exactly what she was saying and only now am I starting to feel the effects. Time to do some work. 

My whole life has been a tad dramatic. Childhood wasn’t great, teenage years were shit, full of promiscuity and drama, early-mid 20s were actually awesome because I lived in a haze of ecstasy, MDMA, crystal meth and the longest dance party of my life. I was a successful little drug dealer who was really good at it and made a shit ton of money. Enough to pay off my student debt AND I came out unscathed. Did a TON of stupid irresponsible shit that could have landed me in prison both in the USA and homeland of Canada. I am one lucky yogini. Once the bright and shiny started to wear off and the drugs no longer worked I turned to alcohol and that’s when things went south and went south at a speed that still amazes me. I muddled through a black out haze for the better part of 12 years before I decided to take my life back but it wasn’t easy. These changes never are. Up until Jan 2, 2012 my life was full of drama and anxiety as aforementioned and it had become my normal. NORMAL.. When anxiety is as normal as waiting for a bus it’s got to have an affect. Like long term affect.. which I guess is what brings me here to this post. 

In the past few months I have been processing stuff. I have hurt a few people on my path of sobriety. I’ve made my amends to those I had affected with my years of drinking but this is a whole new thing. Realizing you chose a certain path knowing damn well it was going to hurt another (even though you know in your heart it was the right thing to do) is a tough pill to swallow. I teach self-love, compassion and mindfulness.  I try to live my yoga on the mat but off the mat as well. But I am also human. In all the ways..I’m realizing there is still a shit ton of work to be done in me. If I don’t, I may not pick up the bottle of booze but I will be continuing on the path of active addiction and I am SO not ok with that.

At nearly 7 years of sobriety it’s time to get back to basics. Back to the Big Book, back to the steps, back to meetings. There is always more work to be done. I am worth it. SO, that’s the plan. I have some pretty awesome sober friends and with the help of them I will do another step study, I will comb through the Big Book and I will come to get another evolution of this here sober way of life. Here’s to another sober 24💛

It’s Raining Again

Good morning from Ubud. My initial plan today started off GREAT. I woke up around 6 and saw the sky was turning a beautiful clear blue and said YES!! Went back to bed for an hour and started planning the day. Our days here don’t differ too much from one another really. Starts with a meditation (truth be told not everyday but we try), lemon water, Bali coffee and a homemade breakfast of fresh fruit (omg the dragon fruit💕),

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DRAGONFRUIT👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼

and granola or oats or a variation of all the above.. Go to a yoga class at Intuitive Flow and then figure it out from there. We’ve been staying at Pondok Rama #3 or “The Divine Goddess Santuary” (aptly named on Air B&B) which is on a rice field just north of the hustle and bustle of Ubud. It has been lovely. The mister has been a true champion at getting us around on the scooter that was made available to us ($5/day) so it’s been great to get away from the madness. Allowing for real decompression... 

3 weeks on Bali is a good length of time. We’ve been in ubud for 9 days and still have 8 more sleeps to go. Reflecting on our trip we realized that putting Vietnam in for those 8 days at the beginning was probably not the best idea for us. I want to go back to Vietnam when a) the weather is better and b) when we have more time. I am however glad we did it. Anytime spent travelling is never a negative thing.. 

Getting back to today... blue sky didn’t last long. When we looked at coming to Asia I knew the weather was going to be questionable. I watched the weather patterns and decided that it was going to be FINE. And it has been FINE. I will return to  Toronto with a tan to prove I was indeed in a tropical climate but my god it hasn’t been easy. Rain upon rain it has done💦💦☔️☔️ I never knew it could rain so hard! I was in India during monsoon season and I still didn’t experience rain like this. I don’t want to sound like a petulant child so I’ll end with this..  if you don’t mind rain, come to Bali whenever you want, but if you want really nice weather, trust the patterns, and get thee to A dry place. 

oh hey look, the sun is coming out again!!🌦🌦🌦

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Trip with the Mister

Hello again everyone, 

I have been very absent over the past year and for the people that do read this blog I am very sorry about that. I have gone thru some massive changes over the past year and I’d very much like to share some of them... firstly, I have a mister. A wonderful man who loves me dearly (as I do him). We had a very rough start (understatement) with all the odds stacked against us but miraculously we are thriving with a very bright future ahead. Secondly, that said mister and I moved in together. Some naysayers thought it was awfully fast but when you know you know. I really wasn’t sure how it was going to turn out before we committed but I followed my heart and stayed the course and I am very happy I did. You see I have never wanted to get married before. For the people that have known me longest it was a big surprise to hear I had changed my tune. At 42 (now 43!) I had finally met the man I want to spend the rest of my life with so moving in and moving forward was exactly what we were going to do. Naysayers be damned. 

The last big shift was me retiring the restaurant industry. This is rather huge..-Back in 2015 I retired and went on sabbatical to become a yoga teacher. I did my first teacher training with the intention to not go back to managing restaurants. I wanted to be a yoga teacher but after returning to Toronto I realized very quickly that I HAD to go back. Teaching just wasn’t going to pay my bills.

- - -

Fast forward 2 years..

Teaching a very full time schedule and working nights at the restaurant. It’s been exhausting. I always thought the term “burnout” was just something people said when they were tired but now I know it’s an actual thing. I felt like I was in a constant state of jet leg and once the mister and I moved in together he saw the schedule I was trying to maintain and offered me an “out”.  My dear wonderful generous mister offered me my out. So I took it. I gave my beloved restaurant of 7 years 4 months notice and started planning THIS... 

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The entrance to our homestay in Hanoi💛 

With an end in sight we started thinking about where we would go. It started with India, then Sri Lanka... both beautiful destinations which we will DEF get to (I was in southern India for a month in ‘15).  We couldn’t quite wrap our heads around where we would stay and for whatever reason bailed on the idea completely. Which brought me back to BALI. I was also in Bali in 2015 and had a bit of a love hate relationship but really had a calling to return. Travelling alone can be a major bummer when shit goes south and that’s what happened in the last week on that beautiful island. The mister had not been there however and had a keen interest in going. Soooo... 

Here we are in Asia☺️ We started 1 week ago today and have been to Hong Kong and now we’ve been in Hanoi for 4 days. We are in our own little homestay after two nights in hotel and are really laying roots. One thing we were not prepared for.. finding vegan and gluten-free options! We have been blessed to find a wonderful yoga studio and cafe OM STUDIO  who has been feeding us but other than that it’s been a real challenge (the mister is celiac) ... big reco is to get cards made with allergies and restrictions printed (we didn’t do that😑)... We have 5 more days here until we fly to BALI. Please stay tuned for more. I promise to not be so absent. 

Ps, sobriety fucking rocks. If I wasn’t sober NONE of the amazing things that are happening in my life would be happening. Period.  

If you aren’t already following me on Instagram please find me on all of the things @terianncarty

💛💛💛 

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👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼 So cute! 

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Om Studio.. formerly Zenith. Don’t let the outside scare you.. head inside and up the stairs. The ladies there are ahhhhhmazing🙏🏼 

It has been a while since I have been here and for that, I am very sorry!  This last summer was a busy one... I have been going through some emotional turmoil in the past 6 months and didn't really know what to say. Instead, I worked. I said yes to everything. I subbed and taught as many classes as I could possibly jam in as well as manage a restaurant 4 nights a week. To say it was exhausting is a bit of an understatement but it was exactly what I needed. Truth is, I'm still doing it. My schedule is still nuts and will probably be more so as we near Christmas. That's ok. It's self-induced and happening as it should. 

Today is a good day. They have all been good days. Even when I feel like I'm having a not- so-great-day it's way better than when I was drinking. I'm coming up on a 5 year anniversary and it literally blows my mind. I haven't had a drink in almost 5 years. How unbelievably amazing is that? On top of all the work this summer I also attended a step-study. We are nearing the end of it. I am so grateful for the opportunity to work my program with some awesome women. It has helped me beyond measure with my current situation. I am trying. Really hard. But I know I am also avoiding the inevitable to avoid hurt, pain and suffering for all parties. Breaks my heart.. but such is life.  So, my friends this is where I'm at. Over-working, over-tired, but loving life. Staying true to my path and staying sober one day at a time. 

Part of staying healthy in my mind, body and spirit is maintaining a healthy diet. Over night Chia pudding is da bomb!!!! 

recipe below: 

 

Over-night Chia Pudding
  • Over-night Chia Pudding

  chia pudding 

  •   1c hemp seed milk (I make all my own milks... recipes on website)
  • 1/4c chia seeds
  • 2 tsp pure maple syrup
  • 1/4tsp vanilla
  • Pinch sea salt   

method

stir all ingredients in a bowl, wait 5 minutes, then stir again. Wrap with Saran Wrap and refrigerate over night. Top with berries, granola, seeds and the like! Enjoy💗 

  

 

You get what you Give

 

I've been thinking a lot about karma and loving more lately. It actually started with myself.. I have been teaching pretty regularily and now have 3 whole classes at 2 different studios and it's been going great. Well, that's a bit of an exaggeration. My classes at the one studio are not very busy and I'm starting to take it personally. I know I shouldn't but it's hard when only 3 people show up to your class. I've also been subbing a great deal for people which has its own set of stress. Trying to be everything to everybody just doesn't work so I decided to just be myself and then my brain got to thinking, what if I'm not good enough?

I've struggled with this concept since I was a child. Maybe it stemmed from Daddy never being around. Maybe I still suffer from abandonment issues. I don't really know, but the feeling is the same. I recognize this sickly feeling in my gut and then it happens. I start to doubt myself. It usually snowballs from there into not being smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough.. Not being enough is the general theme.  And as quickly as I start to feel myself sinking into the soul-crushing puddle of crud I say STOP.. What the fuck! It's a slippery slope as many of you know. It takes diligence and dedication to stay on the path of positivity.  Which brings me back to today's theme. You GET what you GIVE.  There are no freebies here. I have learned and continue to learn that if you want something you have to ask for it. You have to be open to the process and WORK it. So that's what I do. EVERY. DAMN. DAY.  Somedays I am far more successful than others. Somedays it comes naturally to say thank you to the universe before I open my eyes and other days I literally have to say my gratitude prayers like I'm reading off a script but I do it anyway. I know I'm enough deep down. All the fear based crap I tell myself is based on years and years of conditioning. If I step back for a moment and look at how far I've come in 4 years it literally astounds me. One day, moment, breath at a time. When I get down, I breathe and say thank you. I try to put out what I wish to receive and it works every, single, time. But it is a constant practice.  I always have to remind myself not to take on other people's moods. Instead, I work on putting out positive vibes even if I feel like screaming. Fake it till you make it as they say. Eventually the mood lifts, the feelings fade and I'm back on track. 

I am constantly evolving. Creating and carving out the person I want to be. I love who I am and am proud of each step I take on this journey of sobriety, health and wellness. In my minds eye I see me teaching to hundreds of people. We all sit and meditate together by the ocean. Basking in each other's light. I'm putting it out there. The universe knows what I want. I just have to be clear with the intentions. Put out what you wish to get back. So far it's working like a charm💗✨✨ 

Today's Thoughts

There's something about going away to really put your current life situation into perspective. I recently had the pleasure of going to Panama for a dear friends wedding. It was exactly what I needed. After losing Hazel so abruptly and working pretty intensely over the course of the last 5 months

Leaving on a jet plane✈️

Leaving on a jet plane✈️

I needed a little restart. A refresh if you will. And while it definetly worked for about a week, the affects of my vacation has started to fade and I feel myself sinking back into this sense of blah, hum drum and awkward complacency.  In other words, I need to get my shit in order and start focusing on me again. 

I started this blog/website just over 4 months ago. I remember that time well. I was filled with a sense of excitement for all the things I was going to create. All the inspirational blogs I was going to pen. All the new followers I was going to incur. And while I do believe I have written a few great blogs and the site is off to a great start, I come back to that..hmmm, not quite satisfied feeling again. Wtf, I say to myself. Back to the proverbial drawing board.  

I've always been hard on myself.  I've also (truth be told) been a bit of a procrastinator. Not exactly the best combo. First, you just don't do what you keep saying you're going to do and then proceed to beat yourself up for it.. I've gotten better over the last 4 years. Sobriety was a game changer but habits formed over a lifetime are very hard to break. 

So here I am feeling like I haven't completed enough, written enough, created or taught enough and decided to put this blog out to share my feelings of inadequacy and garner some sense of relief by producing a piece but the TRUTH is, is that I'm doing EXACTLY what I need to be doing. In the past month I have secured 2 classes a week at IAM yoga. My very own classes and they are going great. I'm on the sub list at my home studio and  I am starting a teacher training on anatomy which I'm super stoked about to further my yoga education. I'm working at the restaurant 3 nights a week, intragramming like its my job and practicing everyday sometimes twice a day. I'm a tad bit busy and loving every minute of it. So why in the world am I feeling like this? Is it because I wasted so much of my life drinking and drugging? Do I feel like I'm too late in the game to be an inspirational teacher with a voice? I guess the answers remain in the journey. I guess I will need to keep asking the questions to keep peeling back the plethora of layers I am still discovering. It's all a process and it's all good. I'm grateful for it all.