There's something about going away to really put your current life situation into perspective. I recently had the pleasure of going to Panama for a dear friends wedding. It was exactly what I needed. After losing Hazel so abruptly and working pretty intensely over the course of the last 5 months
I needed a little restart. A refresh if you will. And while it definetly worked for about a week, the affects of my vacation has started to fade and I feel myself sinking back into this sense of blah, hum drum and awkward complacency. In other words, I need to get my shit in order and start focusing on me again.
I started this blog/website just over 4 months ago. I remember that time well. I was filled with a sense of excitement for all the things I was going to create. All the inspirational blogs I was going to pen. All the new followers I was going to incur. And while I do believe I have written a few great blogs and the site is off to a great start, I come back to that..hmmm, not quite satisfied feeling again. Wtf, I say to myself. Back to the proverbial drawing board.
I've always been hard on myself. I've also (truth be told) been a bit of a procrastinator. Not exactly the best combo. First, you just don't do what you keep saying you're going to do and then proceed to beat yourself up for it.. I've gotten better over the last 4 years. Sobriety was a game changer but habits formed over a lifetime are very hard to break.
So here I am feeling like I haven't completed enough, written enough, created or taught enough and decided to put this blog out to share my feelings of inadequacy and garner some sense of relief by producing a piece but the TRUTH is, is that I'm doing EXACTLY what I need to be doing. In the past month I have secured 2 classes a week at IAM yoga. My very own classes and they are going great. I'm on the sub list at my home studio and I am starting a teacher training on anatomy which I'm super stoked about to further my yoga education. I'm working at the restaurant 3 nights a week, intragramming like its my job and practicing everyday sometimes twice a day. I'm a tad bit busy and loving every minute of it. So why in the world am I feeling like this? Is it because I wasted so much of my life drinking and drugging? Do I feel like I'm too late in the game to be an inspirational teacher with a voice? I guess the answers remain in the journey. I guess I will need to keep asking the questions to keep peeling back the plethora of layers I am still discovering. It's all a process and it's all good. I'm grateful for it all.